We have now reached the stage in the great Labour soap opera slash psychodrama slash Shakespearean tragedy where Andy Burnham is wandering around the battlefield screaming: “A seat, a seat, my kingdom for a seat!” And no one is obliging him.
The self-declared King of the North has been busy casting around his Greater Manchester fiefdom, sounding out MPs in safe-ish Labour seats to see if they’d give up their constituencies for the greater good of Andrew Murray Burnham and the soft-left movement.
For some days now, Burnham’s aides have assured the media that a route back to the House of Commons – the starting point for a Burnham bid for Downing Street – had been plotted, and that a seat had been lined up for him, as if by droit de seigneur, and that it would be revealed imminently.
It hasn’t. Despite being the bookies' favourite, Burnham had reputedly been rebuffed by Graham Stringer (Manchester Blackley and Middleton South) and Paula Barker (Liverpool Wavertree), as well as by the members for Warrington North and St Helens South.
According to reports, the snubbed Burnham has since turned to one of his closest political allies, Afzal Khan, MP for Manchester Rusholme and a former lord mayor of Manchester, and invited him to make the ultimate sacrifice.
But it seems the possibility of being recognised in a future honours list for a lifetime of public service isn’t quite the draw it once was – especially when Burnham becoming prime minister is looking far less like a dead cert.
For his part, even Khan has now said that suggestions he is stepping aside to spark a by-election are false. Oh dear. But Burnham should not be too discouraged. According to the Electoral Calculus website, Khan’s central Manchester constituency has a 97 per cent likelihood of going Green at the next general election. Even Burnham’s personal charisma might not be enough to help him retain the seat.
There may yet be others who will put Andy before the party. Clive Lewis, Burnham’s vicar on earth, did once publicly offer up his Norwich South seat – nowadays, a three-way marginal between Labour, Reform and the Greens. Perhaps detecting defeat, Burnham declined.
He might regret that decision now. At some point, he’ll realise that there is no such thing as a safe Labour seat any more. And the field of contenders – should anyone ever make a play for the top job – could fill up quickly and Burnham find his route blocked.
Wes Streeting is proving strangely reticent about his intentions. But, in a plot twist worthy of Coronation Street, Angela Rayner has found herself cleared of tax dodging, freeing her up to take over the party after all. It’s like she’s made her entrance into the Rovers Return and declared, “I’m back!”… and Starmer drops his pint. Rachel Reeves, meanwhile, has come out to tell the rowdy rebels they’ll wreck her economy, and they can all get out of her pub.
So here we are. Andy hasn’t got a seat. Wes hasn’t got the numbers. Ed Miliband and Shabana Mahmood haven’t got the gumption. And Ange wants the job and is ready for the fight, if only someone else would throw the first punch.
Of course, the neatest ending to this saga would be for Keir to stay put, Wes to quit as secretary of state for health and social care, and to be replaced by Ange, a former care worker. Andy can rejoin the soap when he’s finished his season in rep in Manchester, and Wes can come back when things start going a bit better, and everyone’s calmed down. Then, they can work together as a united team, the psychodrama will meet a happy ending, and they can all live happily ever after in the second term of their “decade of change”.
But, then, that wouldn’t be the Labour Party, would it? Enjoy the show. I’m off to stock up on Butterkist.
